Politeness is about keeping good relations with your listener or reader. There are two types of politeness
– showing the listener or reader that you value and respect them.
– changing or softening what you say so as not to be too direct or forceful.
Politeness: showing respect
There are many ways in which we can show that we value and respect our listener or reader. In more formal situations, we are especially careful to use certain polite phrases:
[addressing an audience]
Ladies and gentlemen,pleasewelcomeMrPatrick Murphy …
[a waiter in a restaurant]
MayI take your plate,sir?
[a message in a thank-you card]
Thank youfor your wonderful gift.
[asking a stranger for directions]
Excuse me, I’m looking for Cathedral Street.
Not:Where’s Cathedral Street?
In formal contexts when we don’t know people and we want to show respect, we use titles such asMr +family name,Ms +family name,sir, madam, doctor (Dr), professor (Prof.):
[checking out at a hotel reception desk]
A:Here’s your credit card,MrWatts. Have a safe trip.
B:Thank you.
[at a restaurant]
Shall I take your coat,Madam?
[emailing a professor that you dont know]
DearProf. Kinsella …
Not:Hi John…
See also:
Names and titles: addressing people
Politeness: making what we say less direct
When we speak and write, we usually try not to be too direct. There are a number of ways in which we can do this.
Softening words (hedges)
We can use softening words or hedges to make what we say softer.
softer | more direct |
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[giving someone criticism on their musical performance]
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See also:
Requests
Hedges (just)
Vague language
We use vague language to make times and quantities sound less direct and more approximate:
A:Are you coming for dinner tomorrow night?
B:Absolutely. What time is best for you?
A:Any time around eightwould be perfect.
It’saboutseven o’clocksoI thinkwe should be leavingsoon.(less direct thanIt’s seven o’clock so we should be leaving now.)
A:What colour is your dress?
B:It’skind ofgreen and brown, witha fewgold buttons on the front.
See also:
Vague expressions
Modal expressions
We can use certain modal verbs, especially the past forms of the modal verbscan, may, shallandwill(could,might,shouldandwould), to be more polite or less direct. We can also use other modal expressions (certainly,possibility, be likely to, be supposed to be). We often do this when we ask for something or ask someone to do something:
MightI ask if you are related to Mrs Bowdon?(rather formal and more polite/less direct thanMay I ask …?)
Wouldyou follow me, please, sir?(more polite/less direct thanWill you follow me …?)
Wouldyou mind moving your car, please?
A:Couldyou take a look at my laptop? It’s taking so long to start up.
B:Well I’llcertainlytake a look. Is there apossibilitythat it might have a virus?
A:Well, the anti-virus issupposed to beup to date.
Youarelikelytofeel stressed before your exam.(less direct thanYou will feel stressed before your exam.)
See also:
Modality: introduction
Modal expressions withbe
Pleaseandthank you
Requests
Changing tenses and verb forms
Sometimes we use a past verb form when we refer to present time, in order to be more polite or less direct. We often do this with verbs such ashope, think, wantandwonder. The verb may be in the past simple, or, for extra politeness, in the past continuous:
A:Where’s the key to the back door?
B:Iwas hopingyouhadit. (less direct thanI hope you have it.)
Ithoughtyou might want to rest for a while since it’s been a long day.
Iwantedto ask you a question.
Iam havingproblems with my internet connection and Iwas just wonderingif you could tell me how to fix it.(less direct and forceful thanI have a problem with my internet connection and I wonder if you could tell me how to fix it.)
In formal contexts, we sometimes use past forms in questions, invitations and requests in the present so as to sound more polite:
Didyouwantanother coffee?
Ithoughtyou might like some help.
Wewereratherhopingthat you would stay with us.
In shops and other service situations, servers often use past verb forms to be polite:
Assistant:Whatwasthe name please?
Customer:Perry, P-E-R-R-Y.
Assistant:Didyouneedany help, madam?
Customer:No, thanks. I’m just looking.
See also:
Past verb forms referring to the present
Ifand politeness
In speaking, we often useiffollowed bywill, would, canorcouldto introduce a polite request:
Ifwe can move on to the next point for discussion.(more polite thanCan we move on …)
IfI could just say one more thing …(more polite thanListen to me, I want to say something.)
Ifyou will follow me, please.(more polite thanFollow me, please.)
We use other expressions withifto express politeness:if you don’t mind, if it’s OK with you, if I may say so, if it’ll help:
If you don’t mind, I think I need that cup of tea.
I’ll stay here,if it’s OK with you.
Two-step questions
In speaking, we sometimes ask two questions rather than one so as to be less direct. The first question is an introduction for the listener and the second one asks a more specific question:
A:Do you like sport?I mean,do you play sport?
B:Yeah. I play basketball. I’m on the school team.
The first question introduces the topic of sport; the second one asks a more specific question about it. The listener answers the second question.
We sometimes useyes-noquestions one after the other:
A:Is this your pen?
B:Yes, that’s mine.
A:Do you mind if I borrow it for a minute?
B:Not at all.
This is less direct than askingCan I borrow this pen?as a question on its own.
See also:
Questions: two-step questions
Using names
We can make what we say more polite and less direct by using a person’s name:
What’s the time,John?(less direct thanWhat’s the time?)
I’m not sure I agree with you,Liam.(less direct thanI’m not sure I agree with you.)
See also:
Names and titles: addressing people
Politeness: what is impolite?
Being direct is impolite so we need to be careful when using direct forms.
The imperative form
In most contexts, the imperative is very direct and is usually impolite when used outside of family and friends:
[in a café]
Give me a coffee.
Polite form: Could I have a coffee, please?
[asking the time]
Tell me the time.
Polite form: Would you mind telling me the time, please?
However, it is acceptable to use an imperative in warnings, offers, written requests and when giving directions or instructions:
Mindyour step!
Haveanother coffee.
Turnleft once you get past the cinema. Thentakea right along a narrow road …
To stop in an emergency,pressthis button.
See also:
Imperatives as offers and invitations
Imperative clauses (Be quiet!)
Telling the time
Warnings
Using titles inappropriately
We use titles before names, for exampleMrOakley, Dr Morrison:
[in a letter or email to Professor Harry Murray]
Polite form: title + family name: Dear Prof. Murray
Not:Dear Prof. Harry
See also:
Names and titles: addressing people
Using very familiar terms of address inappropriately
When people know each other very well, for example, couples or very close friends, parents and their children, they may address each other using terms such aslove, honey, darling, pet. In certain dialects, you may also hear people use these terms in shops and cafés, for example. It is impolite to use these terms in formal contexts:
[in an interview]
Where do you come from, love?
[in a restaurant]
Mr Kane, pet, your table is ready.
See also:
Sexist language